Archives for the month of: December, 2012

Joice Esotica

It’s been 30 day since I left the beautiful Joice Joker, back to the other side of the world.  I miss her dreadfully.

I gave myself a few weeks to grieve her loss, and to feel the reality of her absence.  It still hurts, but it is nigh time to push forward towards that horizon.  Firstly, a bit of clarity.  We decided that my departure was best, considering the options on the table.  It was to either stay, or unite our names in matrimony.  It was on the table for a very long time.  In the end, we realised that autonomy and independence are our most precious values.  It was not an option for us.  A crushingly painful decision to have to make, but the correct one.

I will not lie, it has been dreadfully difficult for the pair of us.  Churning emotions, leaden melancholy, and many fearful thoughts have popped up.  It has been a challenge confronting this with utmost honesty, but I believe we are doing this with a certain beauty and integrity.

First time for everything, right?

Indeed, as I sit here writing this, I can only reflect on the many lessons of the past few weeks.  Indeed, the past year has been a period of stupendous growth.  What makes this piece different is it focuses on the end, the breakdown of a relationship.  It is a difficult topic indeed, because we tend to run away from the pain of loss.

Don’t.

Our greatest lessons emerge from times like these.

Here are 7:

  1. Everything has an end.  A relationship ends because someone is driven away by one of two basic impulses.  The first is fear, the second is dread.  Break through the former, but yield to the latter.  Fear is your response to challenge, that there is something beyond that you do not understand.  Do not run from fear, or you are a coward.Dread, on the other hand, is a sense that you are pressing onto a path that is not your life’s purpose.  Alarm bells will begin whispering into your soul, telling you that this is not what you are meant to be doing.  Listen to this.  Suppressing this warming will only lead to torture.
  2. Presence is everything.  We all have a fear of abandonment, that someone will leave us because we are not good enough.  I have discovered that it is particularly acute in women.  When a relationship ends, do everything in your power to remain present.  Never run, even when it becomes difficult. 
  3. Listen, and take care of your partner’s heart.  When someone’s path in life tells them that a breakup is needed, sometimes our crazy heart does a few flips.  That’s okay, it’s part of living.  Learn to seep into your partner’s body here.  This is essential.  Even at the end, show that the relationship was based on trust and understanding.
  4. Pain is another form of love.  If the love was immense, so will be the grief.*sigh…*
  5. Be prepared to confront your dark side.  It always happens when we have emotions writhing away in our bodies.  It tends to push the messed up parts to the surface.  Take this from a man who has spent a few weeks suddenly struck by waves of self-loathing.Most breakups end badly because we are not taught how to deal with this.  We become overcome, and we blame ourselves or our ex-partners.  A breakup is the ultimate test to your emotions, and you will need to be at your best to confront it.
  6. If the love is real, then the connection  will never die.
    A moment for me to sneak in a little message to my girl.My dearest Diana, what a devastating force you were.  Your eyes, your lips, and your flesh.
    My body is heavy, yearning to sink into your skin once more.
    It will happen again.  It is inevitable.
    Always, us, poised; for you to fall and for me to crumble.
    My love, I will see you again.
  7. You are always, always, deserving of love
    Always.
    Forever always.
    As you read this, remember this.
    Your heart expands.
    Your sex enraptures.
    Breath and life will always be cherished.
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Us men carry a secret.

Deep down we’re scared.

It’s a faint, niggling fear.  It happens every time we speak to a woman.  In particular, that powerful, sexually overwhelming woman.  You know the one.  The one with the poise, the swagger in her hips.  The one who can tear us apart with her brutal, destructive sexual force.  Her limbs, her beautiful red lips, and her penetrating eyes.  She is engorged with luscious, burning desire.

We fear that we will be devoured by her fiery essence.

That is the foundation of sexual cultivation.  It builds the centre of your masculine power.  With it, you can stand in your power, effortless, unmoving.  A strength that you know you should hold as a man.  The one that we all pose, that poise we pitch in overcompensation.  Yes, that visceral bastion of strength, the one you know she respects.

That is why we need to practice this.  As men.

Grief is the doorway to a man’s feelings — Robert Bly

Grief is the place from which this piece is written.  What is important is the idea that every man reaches rock bottom, every man reaches breaking point.  This is essential for who we are as men.

Grief then, is essential to connection, to touch who we really are.

It guides us on a path of deeper understanding, showing us the nuances of ourselves that we run away from.  In grief, we connect with our pain, fear, sadness, joy and love.  From the ashes of grief we rise, we blossom, we stand tall and we expand.  From there we take action, and we build.  We move, we nurture, we conquer and we grow.  We stride forward from the thunder in our chest.  This is what makes a man powerful.

But all of this, only if he crumbles into his own grief.  A man’s true power lies in his weakness.

And what a bottomless chasm of despair.  Loss, loneliness and mortality.  Lessons, all, in humility.  Until we as men connect to this pain, we are trapped in a space of arrogance and disconnection.  The slings and arrows of a painful life teaches us to be humble.

And this is where this piece is written.  Merely the first few steps out of grief.  Watch and observe the energy change.